March 1st 2012
Had clinical today, the first surgery of the day was on a 2year old little boy, he is by far the strongest and bravest little boy i have ever met.
He came in the room with his fire truck pj’s on, very curious little man. His mom who came in with him had tears running down her face and right before they put him under he said “its ok mommy, no tears”
Carson you are my hero<3 i had tears in my eyes the whole time.
for the past week…well like month…i guess this has been on my mind and today its just almost unberrable.
i have a great boyfriend, i mean hes like everything i want in a guy, and my parents love him…but thats just it..i dont think i do. i have no reason why i should not be with him but i just dont know if im happy..when im with him im happy and i can be myself but somethings missing..i dont know if its the edge or the chase or what but somethings not right…
about 2 years ago i went to a psych(i cant spell…one of those fourtune teller people) and she basically was on point of everything that has happened or would have happened so far..she said to me i was going to date for a while, all nice guys, but i was going to find the guy i was going to marry, and i dont know exactly how she worded it but basically she said the guy i would be with would be someone who i run into at work or has something to do with my work, but he wears a uniform..and i cant help but think its J. J and i have maintianed a on again off again friendship since our relationship ended a year ago..and i cant seem to just let him go…and ifeel like deep down he cant either but he wont admit it..
i just feel like im holding on to my boyfriend cause of my parents and that this wouldnt work the way i wanted it to if i did…ive seen the seniario of someone leaving the best for someone good only to have nothing…is that selfish?? maybe a little but i dont know i really dont
this all makes sense in my head but i dont have anyone to tell this all too without someone taking sides…